It didn't bother me that I had nothing to do this evening until everyone asked me what I was doing for my birthday, and then asked me "why not?" when I told them I had no plans.

“What’s wrong with the elevator?”
“They can’t fix it. It doesn’t work. In fact… nothing in this city works. We don’t have this problem in New Jersey.”
“Do you have elevators in New Jersey?”

My internet was disconnected (I have verizon). How bad was the reconnection process, you ask?

1 hour, 40 minutes. 8 people that I talked to... one person that just screamed at the woman trying to transfer me, so I never spoke to her at all (she would be number 9), once "accidentally" transfered to the pennsylvania sales office, 1 nice person in the Television department (don't know why I was transfered there), one person who told me that everything was fine, one person that told me that despite the fact that my router was giving me signal by sending me the noaccess website I most certainly "didn't have a dial tone" and then the last woman telling me that she needed to transfer me again, except that it was already after 6pm (this was 1 hour 20 minutes in) and therefore no one was in that department (I'd spoken to that department twice already) and that I would have to call back tomorrow at 8am. Which was when I started crying. And so then she just went up her management chain until someone told her they could do it tonight, in the next 4 hours. So then I got off the phone, and have been trying repeatedly, only to have it connected in 3 hours and 40 minutes.

Feeling good, but today is karmically not my morning. A passing bus on the bridge this morning covered me head to knees in salty grey road slush. Guys walking in the other direction saw it happen and responded by saying "Dude. That SUCKS!" as they walked by.

And then, when I got to work, the elevator dropped a floor on the way up. My coworker and I, we got off of it asap, and walked the rest of the floors.

So yes. I am now keeping my eye out for black cats, unattended ladders, and avoiding any potentially breakable mirrors. No sky diving today, I'm afraid...

want. to. try.

(Known about the existance of such things for a while, hadn't actually run across a place for purchase or ordering.)

Also I didn't know they still made these but I absolutely love them with a passion that knows no words, and need to order me a vast stockpile of them as soon as I can round up any loose change...

Responded to an old post by a friend, thinking it was new. Need to make spaghetti as an act of supplication to the gods for a friend's wish for a baby. (Don't ask.) Tried to use brown eyeshadow to make myself look black-- it didn't work, and I'm really glad I live by myself with no witnessess. Perhaps I will make a mobile. I wonder if my printer still works, and, if the answer is yes, if I can Print That Thing That Can't Be Discussed on Livejournal on it. (Don't ask.) Tonight calls for lots of jpop-- Perfume, to be precise. I wrote on the walls of my shower stall.

This is my life. Thrilling, no?

Friendship should not be as hard as it is. Is it just that I make it harder for myself? Or does it suck so much for everyone?

A year ago a really good writing group got badly split up into smaller groups, with lots of hurt feelings involved. Of those groups, one is still going. Tonight when I told one of their members that I missed having a group, he railed on how it wasn't that much fun, and he wished he didn't have to go. Somehow it makes it that much more bitter that I am not included in their activities.

Out of a group of five friends to which I belong, two of them had a falling out, and are intensely angry at each other. This anger thing? I don't understand it. Both are hurting, but they're not trying to hurt each other, and yet each is determined that the other is "out to get them". I don't know. It's just frustrating, that's all.

New York continues to be lonely. Even after almost three years here. And yet I still don't want to leave. The fact that I might leave, and sooner rather than later, seems to make it worse, rather than better.

So... I'm trying to learn dreamweaver, and since there's nothing in my inbox today, I am staring at a book at work. This is one of those books written for the lowest common denominator of brain power, and still I feel like it's impossible for me to retain anything that's being said. I've just gotten excessively good at tuning out computer-geek speak that even when I want to learn it, it all seems to go in one ear and out the other.

I know that the proper reaction is to just say "fuck the book, I'll make it up as I go along through trial and error" but... like I said... not a geek.

I have spent all week in a Beckettian "waiting for Friday" state that now that it is here, I don't know what to do with it. Of course, there are many plans. Expensive delicious dinner and death metal tonight (no, not at the same time). Hot chocolate party at my house and then dinner with writing peeps tomorrow night, and then a brunch at Popovers (mmmm... popovers. Have another one, froggy) on Sunday.

Last night I rewatched WALL-E for the first time since it came out. Still amazingly cute. I was more into the love story this time, this old fashinoned notion of the guy that wants to protect his wife but *surprise* she has a career and ambitions and is in fact the one to pull him out of his routine everyday existance. And Moll just gets cuter every time, I think.

One of the things I really like about animated movies is the amount of work that has to go into each piece of it. When you have to create the background From Scratch, the set itself becomes a character, not just a mishmash of found objects the way it so often is in a live-action film. The difference is noticable when a film is re-watched, and why I keep returning to animated movies time and time again... because there is always something new that one hasn't noticed, some detail of the background, or expression on a character's face which was specifically created for that exact moment in the piece.

Made oatmeal for breakfast. Last night made a big stack of books that I want to read next year:






2009 To Be Read List

1. The Jungle Upton Sinclair
2. Children’s Literature Seth Lerer
3. Minders of Make-Believe Leonard S. Marcus
4. The Twilight of the Elephant Elio Vittorini
5. A Game of Dark William Mayne
6. Flatterland Ian Stewart
7. Special Topics in Calamity Physics Marisha Pessl
8. American Born Chinese Gene Luen Yang
9. Walden Henry David Thoreau
10. The Fortress of Solitude Jonathan Lethem
11. Because of Winn-Dixie Kate Dicamillo
12. Memoirs of a Beatnik Diane Di Prima

Books that I have read before, but really do need to re-read.

* Bridge to Terabithia Katherine Paterson
* Five Children and It E. Nesbit
* Only Forward Michael Marshall Smith
* Daphne’s Book Mary Downing Hahn
* The Best of John Bellairs John Bellairs

Lovely perfect sober quiet New Years Eve. I don't know if that means I am getting old or not. But still, outside of a perponderance of text messages ringing in the new year, the event itself was joyously understated. Good company, good conversation, good cuddles.

This morning: breakfast eaten on the floor, coffee, catching up with my squiggle friends online. Having the house to myself in the afternoon/evening. Chance to take a nap and then catch up on my internets. Wish significantly that I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow-- it feels like everyone but me is getting the day off.

Back in the meditation habit. It is so hard to meditate when I go home... partially just the lack of routine, partially just finding it hard to get time to myself that isn't at some crazy hour of the night. I know that I need to get on my therapist to write me a permission slip to the meditation retreat I want to go on in March, but I forgot to ask her on Wednesday, so now it will have to wait until next week. Meanwhile, meditation itself-- I have gotten in that bad state when I spend way too much of my sitting time pondering the question of whether I am "doing it right". The answer is that I'm damnwell going to "do it anyway"-- right or no. So I need to just figure out how to shut my brain down on the question, because pondering it is, more or less, an entirely moot point, especially since the pondering is exactly one of the things that gets in the way of my accomplishing it effectively. This point, I think, is applicable to more than just my sitting habit.

And I'm worried about my friend Erin, she called me today because she couldn't find anyone to go watch the Nebraska football game with her. She has so much stress in her life. And... well... she hates it in NYC. And there's not too much I can do about that. But I do know how rough it is to be stuck in a place where you can't ever get comfortable or feel at home. So I feel for her, I really do. And I'm thinking I need to work really hard this spring to spend some extra time with her, especially when it comes to accompanying her on things that she's homesick for.

Resolutions-- yes. Always those. Trying to keep things simple. Looking for ways to simplify "what I want" into basic ideas, such that any crazy scheme can be broken into "is this good/helpful towards my larger goals". It seems to work for my friend Shorty, so I resolve to give it a try. Beyond that... well, trying to make predictions about 2008 got me nowhere. So I'm thinking that perhaps it is wise to do less of that, and, perhaps, just let the pieces fall where they may.

I was asked to sum up 2008 in three words, so I picked "shaking it up" because things don't get more disruptive and unpredictable than this year has been. Definitely not the year I was planning, that's for damn sure.

And so now I try to predict what 2009 has in store, as if I still believed in such notions.

Yesterday sis and I went to visit grandma, and then stopped at Tios, and then I flew back to New York. Good to be back, and the company is excellent. Slowly various pieces begin to come together.

This afternoon I have spent the past hour and a half cleaning and unpacking, and feel like I have barely made a dent. I am tired. All this traveling, and I could really use a nap.

I haven't been writing enough poetry of late. My brain is filled with random words.

SexyGypsy once told me that the reason she liked driving down the HRD was because it felt like it was just her car in a void, that it was the road that never seemed to end, because you could never see around the next curve. And this is why I always drive that section of road without my brights on. That even if I am at increased risk of a deer colision, I would still prefer to not be able to see what comes next, and just enjoy the curves as they come.

I do not mean this to be a metaphor, but I guess it could be.

Delhi bridge is still under construction, apparently there was an accident on it not too long ago, and there were crushed legs involved. There is a part of me that has gotten to the point where hometown politics and news seems quaint, and there is a part of me that is disgusted with that attitude. Especially since I also find myself having become scared of the woods at night. Used to be I was the kind of kid one's mom warned one about. Now I like to hide out in well lit areas, and be home before the bars close.

This morning had my teeth cleaned. I have awful gums, and the dry air doesn't help. On the plus side, I have finally learned the difference between a good dental hygenist and a sadist. My childhood experience in teeth cleaning trips was definitely a biannual exposure to the later. It's a good thing I don't remember her name or anything about her (other than the massive amounts of pain she inflicted upon me) otherwise I would be praying to the universe for her slow and painful death, which is probably not good for the sake of either of our karmas.

Went to Seva for lunch. I like their winter menu better than when we go there in summer. I know that summer is when you're *supposed* to eat more fruits and veggies, but I really much prefer the denser winter meals if they're not going to have meat in them anyways.

Then a new cell phone. It is red, and has a qwerty board. Because I am huge nerd. Huzzah for consumerism.

Some other shopping followed, and then a nap and french toast. After which I picked up Zeph and we went out to a microbrew in ypsi-- called SoberBob along the way and informed him that we were fleeing town as fast as possible, and would his couch in Atlanta be available to let us crash on for... say... a perhaps lengthy period in hiding? Having already consumed most of a liter of beer at this point, SoberBob was, in fact, slightly concerned that we meant it.

Reaching Ypsi we stopped and bought a half dozen chocolate donuts with glaze, and tried to take them into the bar, but got told that it wasn't allowed. Instead, the bouncer put them next to her seat for us, and there wasn't even one missing when we picked them up again at the end of the night. Which worked out for the best, as there was just enough for everyone.

And yesterday I went to Nicola's Books and got some fabulous stuff, as they have one of the best children's sections I have ever seen. As always, I could have stayed there longer and spent even more money, but I had a gift card taht kept me sadly on budget. There is something about that bookstore that always makes me want to rush home and write, that makes me inspired taht I am, in fact, doing something interesting and worth all the trouble. Sadly, yesterday, after Nicola's, I went to Borders (and not Store #1, one of the other ones outside of town) and that feeling of writing being worthwhile and fun evaporated almost immediately. I'll get over it, as always. I mean, what else am I going to do... it's not like I could just Not Write anyway.

Unfortunately, Mission Zootasm was failsauce, as they were closed by the time we got there. Operation Rezooification, though, scheduled for next tuesday, though, will hopefully go much better, now that we have global intelligence we can trust.

I have a cat in my lap... it is not so easy to type under the circumstances, but I am the only one still awake that she can be an attention whore around.

Performed the annual feast of boxes today as sis didn't have to work, and afterwards Apples to Apples. Mum and I got in a blank card war... the adjective was "easy" and it was to my father-- I said "hugging mum" and she said "loving your wife" and I got the point, to which mum said "see how easy it is to hug your wife now". Ah. Classic.

The cat is now asleep. Cats should not snore.

Afterwards had dinner with the family of SoberBob and talked with Zeph where I would move to if New York and A2 were both destroyed and not options. And Bob's dog is a monster beast of a creature. I am no longer used to such big animals.

Then to Tara's birthday party. More ypsi, but this time with trivia contests. Today has involved much food. I am looking forward to going home, and getting back into my life, such as it is.

And my throat hurts.

Why? I don't know. Because it's there. Still. Even half a decade later.

So.

Worked on cleaning out my parent's basement this morning. There is so much stuff I would move east if it was practical to move it. And so much more that I would get rid of but can't bring myself to. Took a couple of hours to clear off just two bookshelves. Must go down and work on it some more tomorrow. Decide what gets boxed up and shipped to me, and what just gets boxed up. Found some more old journals, and some things I wish I didn't have to admit to myself that I had written.

Then off to the Tap Room this evening with SoberBob and Zeph... too loud for real conversations, and I think I am getting sick. Lame. Outside a very upset woman was yelling at a guy down the street... she was done with him. And probably for the best, he kept wanting her to come over to where he was, because he didn't have any shoes on, and therefore didn't actually want to come outside. Welcome to ypsi.

And I have never seen fog so think in Ann Arbor before. An empty town, you couldn't even see to the other side of the streetlight. There were places where it was almost impossible to see the _street_, so I was glad to only be driving down the roads I had grown up on. Of the many things in the world, a very foggy night is one of those things that would be next to impossible to photograph, I feel. Partially it's just so massive. A whole city of people, looking out the window, seeing nothing, and all suddenly feeling equally lonely.

And on that chipper note, goodnight world.

Let me know if I screwed up and unfriended you accidentally.

Picnic=good day. I do so revel in being queen bee. Dance, minions, dance for my amusement. Or play catch. :) It's all the same, really.

Mostly, I am surrounded by books to read. I have not been nearly so ambitious as in years past. Top of my list:

• Tjanting-- Ron Silliman


• Time Stops for No Mouse-- Michael Hoeye


• Skinned-- Robin Wasserman


• The Robber-- Robert Walser


• White is for Magic-- Laurie Faria Stolarz


• The Fortress of Solitude-- Jonathan Lethem


• V for Vendetta-- Alan Moore

And those are just the ones that are staring me in the face because I've either already started them, or told people that I would get on reading.

I am reminding myself to keep busy. My revelation for the day is that instead of having someone else taking care of me, emotionally speaking, I am taking care of me-- I (my life) is my most valuable possession. Which is a strange one for me to wrap my brain around. "You're doing great" eric tells me. But I do wonder when it'll stop feeling like such a slog.

Does anyone still use Livejournal?

Critically-- any peeps out there who will notice if I use it again?

(Where my peeps at?)

I is the owner of a theremin.

You has been warned.